“Comparison is the thief of joy.” Theodore Roosevelt
One of the most common pitfalls we face as humans is something psychologists call negativity bias. Our evolution has left us with a super-computer of a brain, one that operates faster than we can consciously think. It constantly scans our environment, making instant judgments about everything from the room we’re standing in to the expression on a stranger’s face. It is the ultimate survival mechanism, always trying to keep us safe in an uncertain world.
In its effort to protect us, this remarkable brain often defaults to the possibilities that could go wrong. The “what ifs,” the “maybes,” the imagined dangers lurking around the corner. It also amplifies negative perceptions about ourselves. Classic examples of these are: “You’re not as good as they are.” or “If it can’t be perfect, don’t even start.” These thoughts slow our momentum and drain our motivation. From an evolutionary perspective, avoiding risk used to meant avoiding death, so the brain still tries to keep us “safe” by discouraging anything that feels uncertain or exposing. Why put yourself in the dangerous position of failing when you could be safer staying put?
Often referred to as the inner critic it’s not just one voice, but a chorus of protective parts within us, each rooted in fear, each doing its best, however clumsily, to prevent harm. As psychologist Kristin Neff writes, “We give ourselves more compassion by remembering that the voice of self-criticism is actually the voice of fear dressed in a misguided attempt at protection.”
When I’m coaching a client, I listen deeply, not just to what is said but to what is implied. I listen for the way they talk about themselves and to themselves:
“I really should…”
“I’m never going to be…”
“I don’t deserve…”
I watch how their body responds and how their emotions shift. When the inner critic is speaking, it affects every part of us: mind, body, behaviour, and ultimately our outcomes. We don’t apply for the job. We minimize our dreams. We shrink instead of step forward.
What’s extraordinary is that the way we speak to ourselves is rarely how we would ever speak to someone we love. As Brené Brown famously said, “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” If someone sat beside you and spoke to you the way your inner critic does, you would likely walk away or at worse give them a piece of your mind.
Yet we allow this voice to live unchecked inside us every single day.
So what can we do?
- Notice the inner critic.
Awareness is the first shift. As a coach, one of my roles is to gently reflect back what I hear, because sometimes simply hearing our own words spoken aloud is a powerful catalyst for being more conscious about what we are thinking and saying. - Acknowledge its intention.
This inner voice once served a purpose. It tried to keep us safe. Its intention was good, even if its impact no longer is. Recognising this allows us to meet it with gratitude rather than hostility. As Carl Jung wrote, “What you resist not only persists, but grows.” - Build a wiser, kinder voice.
This is the voice of the inner mentor – the one who speaks as a best friend would: with encouragement, compassion, and grounded wisdom. It takes practice and conscious effort to strengthen this voice, especially when it runs counter to our evolutionary wiring. But the rewards – the confidence, clarity, self-trust – are profound.
Of course, this journey is neither simple nor linear, but these steps are a meaningful place to begin.
So let me ask you: Where are you on this trajectory?
And what do you need in order to take those first steps toward a kinder, more empowering inner dialogue?
